Tuesday, December 20, 2005

If no one had ever told you/ That you were any good

At about 11:35 AM CST this morning, we realized exactly whose hump channel we had been rutting in our dreams last night. At first we were surprised, then mortified briefly before realizing that this was not totally out of the realm of possibility, and now we are kind of cool with it. One time we accidentally let it slip who we had had a sex dream about when we were in high school, and that was a great social blunder which we immediately regretted greatly and have not repeated. So, don't ask.

Not to be all TMI up in hizzle but sex dreams are not an average OGFP phenomenon. In fact, we can count on our hands how many times this has happened during our slumber. The first time involved a school bus, Jodie Foster with a flesh tube filled with creamed corn that we were trying to....lay seed in. Deep scars from that one, folks. Some of these dreams have indeed have been pleasant as hell, but always brief, killed by the alarm clock. That means we have never, um, consummated any of our dream bangs. We have heard it is very rare to be a 31-year old American man and have all zeros on the nocturnal emission scoreboard, but we can't be sure. Perhaps we can start a little commentary info swap, eh boys? Certainly the insomnia has something to do with it. Perhaps different stages of our life which were later noted for their v. frequent sessions of self abuse took care of things. Ponder with us.

Did you know that the city of Chicago has a Dept. On Aging? Yes! We saw one of their vans on our lunch break. Why does the Aging Dept. need vans? What are they out there doing? Grabbing old ladies off the street and taking them away for study? "Hey Grandma! By order of John Stroger, President of the Board of Cook County, we order you into this van! We need your toenails to feed to the Mayor!" It's totally fucking insane.

But it is not the only weird vehicle we have seen cruising around in our fair city. How about the school bus cut openly in half and filled with scrap metal we saw driving down S. State St. one day? We used to compulsively watch out for it, and see it on the roads occasionally, like Bigfoot. How does one go about cutting a bus in half? It was not neat cutting, either. It was all uneven and jagged and shit. And so much scrap metal fits into it! We have seen armies of gleeful bums with a train of shopping carts filled with all manner of product, hooked together, well over a football field long, cruising down Milwaukee Ave. at 7 AM on a Sunday, as if it were the most natural thing to be doing in the world. How do you turn a football field of carts onto another street? Where could they possibly have been going? Ponder with us.

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