Monday, January 26, 2004

Some More Details of Her

In our enduring quest to display the most amusing/disgusting/incomprehensible web-based behaviors exhibited by males of our species, we here at Ozzie Guillen for Pres. present the following, from, perhaps the most base website we have ever encountered:

Comments By:cowboy49
Comments: Some more details of her. Told me one night that she thought about fucking one of my buddies and me at the same time and about an hour later there was a knock on the door and guess who it was. Bagged her on the first date and every date after that. Made the stupid mistake of marrying her and having 3 kids. The only saving grace of that is I got the kids after the divorce. Loved giving me head while I was driving and would hold her ass up in the air so everyone who was driving by would see. Would blow me anywhere and everywhere. On a school playground, in the back of my truck at a drive in, on an elevator, in a parking garage. You name it and she will do it. She now also has a cocaine problem and killed an old woman in a nursing home where she used to work by dropping her out of her wheelchair. Totally fucked up in the head, a complete psycho. Once stabbed me in the arm while I was holding our 3 month old son. Totally tricked her into leaving. Went out and bought a computer, got aol and gave her free run. Within 3 months she had an affair and that gave me the reason I needed to file for divorce. My advice to everyone, don't tap that ass but if you want a decent blowjob then go for it

In other, perhaps more palatable news, we are currently embarking on the second volume of the Left Behind series of books, Tribulation Force, and fully intend to eventually experience every volume in the series (but not the Kirk Cameron movie, duh). We have no idea why we are suffering such ridicule from our friends, but intend to ignore them. We are talking weird right now, it should be noted, because we are also attempting to read the Patrick O' Brian Aubrey/ Maturin adventure books in a rapid and sequential manner. Heave ho and all that. Very exciting stuff for devotedly Midwestern landlubbers like ourselves (and no, we haven't given up on the 3200 page/7 volume Vollman treatise on violence, Rising Up And Rising Down either).

Further updates on extreme forms of masculine stupidity to follow, obviously.

Monday, January 19, 2004

In order to satisfy a meaningless argument about whether or not CNN's Anderson Cooper is, in fact, the bastard child of Gloria Vanderbilt, I happened upon the following post at

I would like Anderson to pull down his pants and boxers so that we can see his blond pubic hair above his long smooth tinkle that hangs between his legs and then bend him over a news desk., so that I can spread his legs and we can have anal sex in which i finally crack anderson´s cherry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The boundries of the human imagination are infinite.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

This White Sox off-season has been the worst in recent memory. Who have we lost? Carl Everett. Roberto Alomar. Bartolo Colon. Tom Gordon. Scott Sullivan. Tony Graffanino. With nary a whimper, I might add. Who have we gained? Jose Uribe. At least we kept Scott Schoenweis! That's like saying your going to improve your jazz fusion band by spiking Jaco Pastorious' Crystal Light with hemlock and getting the bassist from Veruca Salt to be your main songwriter. Magglio = Cobham.

In Berto Center news, the Bulls have been playing like the turd burglars we suspect they might forever be. Eddy Curry is supposed to be the big man down low, a monster in the paint and on the post. He's a beast who should dominate opponents front lines with physical play, especially since he hasn't been a rookie since before 9/11. All he's done this year is to give goons like Brian Grant foul shots aplenty and generally embarass the franchise with his "jazz hands" ball control meltdowns. 6 rebounds a game? Al Jolson could give Curry a Marv Albert-style facial from his pine box. Dave Corzine had better stats, and he was the worst honky center this side of Bill Walton's old clipped toenails. Tyson Chandler, the other twin tower, sits on the bench waiting for Cortosone shots and complimentary boxes of Skittles while his back heals. Jamal Crawford is just like a young MJ, except he can't shoot, penetrate, work a passing lane or draw fouls better than a seventh grader. Worst of all, the United Center is full almost every game. Can you imagine what Bulls fans would do watching Ben Wallace and Chauncey B every night?