Monday, December 19, 2005

And in this corner, weighing in at 850 pounds, Guns N' Roses

You know it's a REAL busy day at the office when OGFP taps that ass twice in one day.

Hi. We were just listening to the Larry Levan Live at the Paradise Garage double CD Strut put out a few years ago and were amazed at the skills therein. Anyone know where Larry is buried? Motherfucker could fade in a Cher track and we don't mind. We fucking hate Cher with a passion. No reason. Hives. Blanching. Anyhizzy, we should dig him up and ritually smoke whatever is left of his corpse so that we might harvest some of his power. If Emperor can do it, so can we. Totally like that genius scene in How High where Method Man and Redman dig up John Quincy Adams so they can past the test or whatevs. Would people look at us weird if before our DJ gigs we started huffing from a plastic bag that contains the earthly remains of Larry Levan? Surely not. Surely they would understand that we can't fade shit and the levels are totally wrong and srkkkkkrrrrrr the record skipped, and goddamn it! We need Larry! We will snort and freebase Larry In A Powdered Form if we have to so help us God!

Washington Correspondent Bebe Rebozo reports strange things happening in our nation's capital. Apparently winged monkeys have kidnapped Laura Bush and taken her back to Chile. Dick Cheney is being forced into a new job, ahem, position: to sodomize Great Danes for the rest of his natural life. Then he has to unroll the lipstick gently with his hands and fellate away! If you own a dog, you know what we're talking about. Dogs with boners are hideous.

Hi there! Secret Service, welcome. Ignore that box of explosives in the corner by the money mak- we mean home canning kit. The bombs are for a road we are building underneath the mountains in Utah. It's to let out the Mormons. We hear they are freezing to death by the hundreds and starting to eat each other, and we don't mean in a sexy way, because they can't ever take off the holy undergarments so how the fuck do they have so many rugrats? Anyjuice, we are worried about Orrin Hatch. Is he going to make it? Can the Mormons maintain without all devouring each other? Get back to us on that.

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1 comment:

Wolfgang Pynchon said...

Jirah! Is there nothing Cheney can't do?