Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Beautiful Shining Above Atomic Plant

Take a break from listening to the new Liberal Radio Mafia and check out a young lady from the Ukraine that rides her motorcycle through Chernobyl and takes pictures and makes a truly wicked 25 page or so web diary about what she sees. The pictures are mind-numbing enough, but her entries in rough English tell the real story. You and your magazines should do a story about this woman. If the last four pages of her diary don’t make you feel crazy, please hand in your humanity license at the front desk and make your reservation to join George Steinbrenner in the Seventh Circle of Hell. AND TELL HIM OZZIE SENT YOU WITH BEST WISHES FROM TINO MARTINEZ.

The liberal radio is kind of bugging me. You know? I hate Rush. I hate Hannity. I hate Ann Coulter. Not that she has a radio show of her own, but she does have conservative rage and writes books that make my balls shrink up into my kidneys because the fact that she is on the NYT best seller list means that Goebbels-esque discourse is so totally part of the national cant, not to mention that she looks like five twigs lashed together with scarecrow hair and I can hear the bracelets jangling on her tiny little wrists and that thought gives me a headache. Dunno why. Maybe I’m just imagining things about her jacket photo. Drudge makes me laugh, but he Dem bashes like G. Gordon Liddy in a prison shower, which tuckers me out. Pagilla likes him though. so WTF. But I’ll tell ya what I do like, and it’s sports radio.

Sports Talk Radio is so totally almost-macho and jokey and retardo that it has won me over, even when the jocks aren’t just talking about baseball. Every other commercial break has an ad for things like Pajama-grams to get your wife when she’s mad at you for raiding your kid’s college fund to pay off your bookie. That and Ultra-Carb weight loss pills that “work wherever the beer and pizza is affecting you. Because ladies notice!” This crapola comforts me. Pointless interviews with Bill Walton about his all-time Final Four team (UConn over Duke and then OK State this weekend, btw) comfort me. Tomorrow Dan Patrick will interview Hank Aaron. Who really cares what is said? He could call Babe Ruth a honky Yankee drunk he was glad to home school. Ta-dow! He won't cause he's a class act, but even if he was giving us his recipe for matza soup, you need that. It’s HANK FUCKING AARON. PREACH, HANK!

Easy goofball jocularity has a ring of the familiar to anyone who grew up loving sports, and it probably turns you off and I realize that I’ll never be able to convert you. But, hear me out. It’s never SMUG. I’m so tired of SMUG. Terry Gross sounds smug. Ira Glass, even if I often like his show. Al Franken talks like a dick stalk. Not to free associate all over your internet time, but I think smug is what killed Al Gore, and it could well kill John Kerry. Liberals need to wean themselves from the smug teat NOW. May I introduce you to Tony Kornheiser?