Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Chump Flick.

We're big fans of bad movies. Trash cinema. When we plop down our hard-earned ducets at the multiplex, it's usually for serious action crap. Speilberg's War of the Worlds? We saw it twice. Felt the terror. Mr. and Mrs. Smith? We checkity checked it out during the heatwave. Yes, it was awful. Angelina Jolie makes us want to claw our eyes out. No A/C!

We rent crap, too. The other night, Friday night actually, we stayed in and watched Alien Vs. Predator while you were rolling up on some lameass gallery party in your fur, heels and hoochie chains doing that social cocaine. The Friday before it was Jurassic Park 3. We can handle, even relish, good happy crappy like that.

But here at OGFP, we hate fakers. Gus Van Zant, you are officially fake ass. Mark it down in the prayer books, and bury him with his simease twin, Robin Williams. The Last Days is one of the worst films we have ever seen. Seriously, who wrote this flaming bag off doggy poop? Jim DeRogatis' assistant? Elephant, with all the POV pretentiousness, was bad enough. Here you get a little of that, a little depressed musician mambo, the very boring and good-looking but quickly tiresome Michael Pitt doing a really bad KC impression, and such other teeth-gnashing elements of true bozo verite as Lukas Haas pretending to be a human being, Kim Gordon in a senseless write-in, and an appearance by very special douchebag Harmony Korine.
Larry Clark, Mr. Korine and Gus need to get the memo: teenagers and drug abusers are rotten cinematic subjects, even when they are naked and/or having some kind of violent sexual contact. We thought last year's bad Bertolucci French-fuck-fest The Dreamers was the worst we'd seen yet, but we were wrong. So wrong. Wait! The Dreamers! Starring.....Michael Pitt!

By the way, if you've already been served your so new it's steaming issue of Hit It Or Quit It, you know of the genius of Terence Werkney. To the rest of you, catch up!

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