Thursday, December 09, 2004

Some facts about your host that you might find interesting:

1. At the current pace, he does his laundry less than four times a year.

2. The host is currently experiencing sexual congress regularly with two individuals, with a steady average of four "encounters" a week between the two partners. This is due to functionality, and not part of any polyamorous relationship. In fact, your host's current expressions of sexual energy are largely a result of pure functionality. Hot and decidedly titillating functionality, needless to say, but largely an effort to regulate amounts of seminal fluid and corresponding levels of stupidity and violent self-directed rage. This strategy has proved largely successful.

3. He regularly consumes somewhere between 30 and 50 alcoholic beverages a week. This level has held steady since the Summer of 2003, and was directly preceeded by a robust escalation beginning in the fall of the year of our lord 2001.

4. The host experiences two or three dreams every week featuring one, and often all, of the following elements: a large cache of high-powered weapons, the bookstore where he used to work, an alien race made up of huge lizard beasts covered in white fur, bicycle messenger assasination squads, tornados, the bodies of his friends and loved ones ripped apart like ripe fruit before his eyes, and finally revenge in a spectacular globalthermalnuclear fashion. Needless to say, sleeping the last few weeks has been fun.

5. When, that is, your host can sleep at all. Approximately half of the host's time spent in bed in the last few weeks has been in a state of insomnia-induced "he wants to sleep but he can't sleep" catatonia. This catatonia averages about 2 1/2 hours per night, after which either the host falls into a thin slumber or gives up the ghost completely to smoke cigarettes and watch the late night rerun of Lou Dobbs Tonight.

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